I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs