I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Sending in my taxes
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.