I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
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My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.