Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?
Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
All is calm,
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.