@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

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@omerwahaj

Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?

Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.

@ericsshadow

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

@JB4Realz

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

@ashmensch

Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,
CORNDOG FIGHT.

@wendchymes

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@numeri33

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

@abrosenthal

Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.