“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
You Might Also Like
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Otters see a butterfly.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
me hooking up with my ex
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.