“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?
You think your life is uncomfortable?
My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.
*reading note from son:
‘Can I borrow your car later?’
‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’