I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

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Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?


“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.


Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.


texts from ur dentist:

1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment

2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!

3. I miss us lol

4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth


Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?


I told myself that I wouldn’t drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.


If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.


The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue


If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.