@Tmoney68

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

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@BuckyIsotope

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

@SaltyCorpse

You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.

@JohnLyonTweets

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

@iMikosnyc

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

@HenpeckedHal

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

@UweBollocks

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

@whatmaddness

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

@AllieA

My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.

@better_off_dad

*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’

*response:

‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’