I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd