@Tmoney68

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

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@fred_dog

Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

@RickAaron

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

@CindyMeakin

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

@maybetomhanks

texts from ur dentist:

1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment

2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!

3. I miss us lol

4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth

@JohnLyonTweets

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

@UrCajunKuzin

I told myself that I wouldn’t drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

@ArchiePeeler

If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.

@dumbbeezie

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

@Cyd10e

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.