@W0nderW0manW0w

I think I’m finally ready to start dating again.

husband:

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@Eightinchgoat

You’re right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me.

@robfee

Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad 😐
Happy 😐
Scared 😐
Excited 😐
Surprised 😐
Giving birth ;|

@Book_Krazy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

@dumbbeezie

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@thr33circles

Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.

@JocMaxedOut

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

@SlimSinclair

*enters rap battle but only gives compliments

Killing with kindness

Got MCs droppin like flies/
I like your shirt, it brings out your eyes