I think I’m finally ready to start dating again.


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You’re right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me.


Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad 😐
Happy 😐
Scared 😐
Excited 😐
Surprised 😐
Giving birth ;|


FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”


Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?


Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow


People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie


Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?


Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.


Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*


*enters rap battle but only gives compliments

Killing with kindness

Got MCs droppin like flies/
I like your shirt, it brings out your eyes