I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️