To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?