I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.