I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

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Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.


When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”


you say “sitting in your parents’ basement wearing pajamas” like it’s a bad thing


early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing


judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do


Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.


her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.


Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn


Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat