I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.


TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never


ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often


[three days after inventing phone]


Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs


Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]


Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.


Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.


GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf


For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”


When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!