@JimmerThatisAll

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

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@HollyHeals

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

@TheToddWilliams

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

@HenpeckedHal

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

@thepunningman

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

@BlindChow

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

@SteveSuckington

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

@1NTERCEPTOR_

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!