I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
You Might Also Like
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.