I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]


When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun


cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”


Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Want another juice box, bro?

Him: Yeah.

3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon


[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot


My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.


Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.


Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.