I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

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The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.


After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.


Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?


Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.


Thanks McDonaldโ€™s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries


me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again


A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.


Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.


Of course it’s you. if it was me I wouldn’t even bring it up.