I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

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Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?


Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?


*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*


[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches


Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex


This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.


JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age