@NewDadNotes
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
@LuvPug
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
You Might Also Like
@NewDadNotes
@LoriLuvsShoes
When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun
@KeetPotato
cop: “can you point at which zebra it was”
zebra: “ha good luck we all look the same”
me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] “that one”
@dadamantium
Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Want another juice box, bro?
Him: Yeah.
3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.
@Quartzjixler
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
@briangaar
[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot
@thepatrickwalsh
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
@MelKassel
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
@sween
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
@WheelTod
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.