I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!