@LuvPug

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

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@TheToddWilliams

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

@AimeeHelene1

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

@kyle_thatisall

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

@meghaffer

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

@CYComedy

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

@SortaBad

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age