@sad_tree: "Dad what IS the moon?" It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

@ashmensch: Good neighbors never bother you. Great neighbors don't call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: and what are we going to do next time? 7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard M: and for you? 7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

@Pork_Chop_Hair: I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

@DaHess1: Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.