I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!