I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.