babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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‘I know a black person’
– White people
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables