I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.