Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Something Saturday.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”