I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek