I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
this isn’t threatening at all
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.