I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
mariah carrie
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.