@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

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@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@RachelWenitsky

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

@PleaseBeGneiss

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@HenpeckedHal

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

@Littlest_Slobo

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.

@LeonEarlgrey

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

@yeetztweetz

*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly

@Pirate_nurse

Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked

@SyrupTishus_01

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

@Spaziotwat

*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”