i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…