I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Try and stop me.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”