My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said
maternity nurse: hey put those babies back
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.