I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee