I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.


Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.


me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said

maternity nurse: hey put those babies back


Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.


Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”


Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.


Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]


I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.