I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies