I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?