I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
You Might Also Like
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
shut up and take my money
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.