[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
HER: so like, what are you into?
HER: no way, me too!
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
A 72 year old benjamin button, is a pedophiles dream.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.