@AaronFullerton

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

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@InternetHippo

[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”

@SumukhComedy

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

@DothTheDoth

Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.

@ballerguy

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

@TheHatStore

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

@aparnapkin

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.