I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I have a new favorite meme page
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔