I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.