I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
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police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Your secret is safeish with me
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work