When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Ugh but profoundly
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )