WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Mullet For My Valentine
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter
Getting a woman:
1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home
I’ve been arrested 10 times
Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
This tweet has been brought to you by…
…Stay Free Maxi-pads…
…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.