I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich


I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.


In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.


Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter



Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home


I’ve been arrested 10 times


Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*


Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.


3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.


Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?


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…Stay Free Maxi-pads…

…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.