I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

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People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.


My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.


You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.


The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.


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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”


My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”


Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.


*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*