@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

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@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

@Lisabug74

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@offbeatoliv

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”352111911539716097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”201″;s:5:”tweet”;s:59:”The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”

@beefman138

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

@ThugRaccoons

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*