I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
why isn’t he texting back
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings