I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!
Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: I’m just gonna nap for an hour then
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here