@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

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@ericsshadow

ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

@ArfMeasures

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

@kind_ofa_bitch

In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.

@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

@comer310

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

@pearlylondon

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

@truegritrumble

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.