I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE