I think long & hard before using innuendo.

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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.


Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job


Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”


him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news


Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes


On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.


That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts