A message for my stalker:
I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane
ME: thereâ€™s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means
THEM: werewolf Jesus?
ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”