I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
You Might Also Like
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
He-man has a Masters degree
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”