I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Breaking news:
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs