I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I created you as mosquito food.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter