I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.


[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo


5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going


Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.


If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.


“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.


When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.

*gets arrested for trespassing


If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this