I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
You Might Also Like
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.