If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you kinda sorta wanna know.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.
*gets arrested for trespassing
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this