@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

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@AHundredElbows

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

@Chhapiness

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

@RealDMK

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

@KatieKatCubs

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

@envydatropic

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

@HenpeckedHal

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

@electrolemon

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

@TheToddWilliams

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans