I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

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[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”


Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room


Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort


Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in


My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.


There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen


Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.


[three days after inventing phone]


Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs


a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”



ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans