I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center