I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”