I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I can’t stop watching this.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.