I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“Why you watching this shit?”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Knock Knock
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.