I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack