I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??