I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I put the mess in domestic.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES