I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!