I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

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Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?


Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind


The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.


Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.


Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”


I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this


CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*


me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend


The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.


Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it


Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.