@WhtUReallyMean

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

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@daemonic3

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

@man_spach

The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.

@ThisOneSayz

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

@avesss18

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

@aotakeo

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

@mostlysharks

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

@Cheeseboy22

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

@briangaar

Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it

@OrdinaryAlso

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.