@Dr_awfulpants

I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*

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@ClichedOut

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

@Ristolable

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

@sophielou

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

@chuuew

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

@LurkAtHomeMom

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

@sixfootcandy

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

@codyspencer0

The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling

@QTPiK8

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.