I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*

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me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan


Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.


“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale


(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY


a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe


*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.


I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”


The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling


Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.