I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.