I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.