@DangerZoneJunky

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

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@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

@williamwanton

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

@radalias

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

@zakagan

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

@U_Want_Shum_M8

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

@ColoradoUgly

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

@maisonshouting

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@Thaat_guy

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.