I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?


Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur


This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form


it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”


i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”


If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.


KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed


“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced


I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.


I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.