@_InsanelyNormal

I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…

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@aaronch3n

coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”

@msred1973

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

@kylekinane

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

@adamhess1

Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@hellosarawren

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@Spaziotwat

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”