[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed