
coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”
coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”