I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…

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coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”


My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.


The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.


There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.


Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes


Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*


If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.


Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.


[First date]
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”