@_InsanelyNormal

I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…

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@shutupmikeginn

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@Sarcasticsapien

When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.

@Reverend_Scott

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

@captainkalvis

[looking at a criminal line up]
me: *gasps* holy shit

cop: what? do you recognize your wife’s killer?

me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?

@MomOnFire

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

@moose_chocolate

*man invents wheel*

“How can we possibly improve this?”

*Man invents wheel of cheese*

“Nailed it!”

@007Pepe_Rex

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.