I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o