I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes